Rock of Ages: Nothing But a Good Time, For Better or Worse

A few years back some friends invited me to see a Led Zeppelin laser light show. I sat just a few rows away from Christian Slater. True story! What followed was an ipod shuffling of the band's greatest hits as lasers strobbed and created rudimentary images of wizards riding horses across the planes. Walking out, my friends complained that the show was lame. I didn't protest but I couldn't help thinking, what were they expecting? We went to a cheesy laser light show and that's exactly what we got.

What I'm getting at is that Rock of Ages, director Adam Shankman's big screen adaptation of Broadway's version of 80's Guitar Hero, is basically a two hour laser light show. It's cheesy, has no depth - whatsoever, not even accidentally - but occasionally there's some fun tunes and pretty things to look at.

The movie opens with Sherrie, (Julianne Hough) a bright-eyed girl fresh of the bus from Oklahoma arriving on Hollywood's 1980-something Sunset Strip. Her dream is to become a singer and it isn't long before she meets-cute with another singing hopeful, Drew (Diego Boneta) who gets her a job at a club that's the epicenter of rock on the strip. The joint's owner, played by Alec Baldwin, is hosting the swan song performance of a huge rock band called Arsenal, headed by their comically zonked-out lead singer Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise.) This must see performance should help Baldwin's character reconcile the rent he's struggling to pay, thanks in part (I think) to a group of anti-rock mothers led by a Tipper Gore inspired caricature played by Catherine Zeta-Jones. I say, I think, because as much as the mothers sing and kick in the air, they never really seem to pose any sort of tangible threat.

With that in mind, the only real drama in the story come from a misunderstanding so thin and contrived that it makes the similarly silly misunderstandings from Three's Company seem as if they were crafted by Tolstoy. 

As far as acting and performing is concerned, everyone here is not only game, but admirably committed. There's Malin Akerman as a Rolling Stone reporter, Paul Giamatti as Jaxx's skeezy manager, and an underused Bryan Cranston as the mayor of Los Angeles. Cruise's turn as Jaxx, it should be noted, is actually a lot of fun. My friend pointed out that when someone as impossible to hide as Tom Cruise can act so ridiculous and actually make you forget he's Tom Cruise for a while, that's a quite a feat. It's just too bad his arc doesn't give him much to do with it.

Additionally, I told some friends who had seen the musical that I was a little disappointed the story didn't even go close to delving into darkness, or even surface level thoughtfulness. For example, at the end of her rope, Sherrie ends up working at a strip club - the cleanest, most colorful and friendliest strip club in town apparently. Oh and it's run by Mary J. Blige who the film spends about 11 seconds showing kicking out an ex-boyfriend or husband or someone who is apparently a problem, but since that's the total amount of time the film spends on it, my sentence here is already too long for me to have even brought it up. Anyway, the club... I was confused because this was apparently supposed to be Sherrie's lowest moment but that was never conveyed in any discernible way at all. It was simply an excuse for another song and some (admittedly) amazing acrobatics by some talented pole dancers.

I was also told that the taming of this story from the stage incarnation doesn't end there. Major plot points that would cast main characters in whole new lights and a more sobering ending have been scrubbed down to essentially a two hour, feel good, let's-not-worry-about-anything karaoke sing along. There are so many potential obstacles for these characters to contend with: rock n' roll's impending decline, the closing of Tower Records and all that implies, studio manufactured pop music's take-over on the radio. The movie does touch on the pop music thing a little but all these other ripe complications and themes aren't even given a moments thought. I'm not saying the movie shouldn't be fun, but isn't the point of a good story seeing characters we like overcoming opposition?

So, still interested in this movie? Do you just want to see some good looking actors sing songs you love? Then I say go for it. And after all my pontificating you may be wondering, so what did I ultimately think of the movie? Well, there's certainly a more interesting version of this movie and that isn't what they decided to put on screen here, but at the same time, I fully recognize that Rock of Ages is just a laser light show. Set your expectations accordingly and it's occasionally amusing and at least pretty to look at. 

C